Continuation of living in the now

We had a good friend home for Christmas from the UK. Sadly she discovered she has the early stages of breast cancer when she went to see her GP here. It has made me realise life is short and you don't know what will come your way. You need to live life to the fullest and seize every opportunity that comes your way. You also need to invest in time with friends and family as you never know when you may no longer have them.

Am sure our friend will make a full recovery but has been a bit of a curve ball.

Like the picture below. Is true, you must do what you love and not waste time doing what doesn't fulfil you.

Living in the Now

So it is starting to look like the coming year might be a year of travels and new things. I am quite excited. I am now thinking of doing a CELTA course in Cape Town and see friends and family there before going to Oxford in the spring. In between will be my dear friend Nina's wedding for which I am a bridesmaid. Excited for that too and helping with the peacock theme preparations and planning her kitchen tea/hen party.

Am looking towards these things as the first of January looms and I am currently unemployed. I will advertise to tutor though in between so that I earn my bread and butter. A teeny part of me worries that I might have let go of an opportunity at Peterhouse but I think it would have been very stressful and I don't know that I would be ready to teach on the 15th of January and a very heavy schedule at that. If I can eventually teach English as a second language it might be a more chilled environment and one on one might be better than big classes with lots of marking.

Haven't heard back about the university lecturing or about a part time job with WWF yet. Will see.

This morning at church there was a word to live in the now and not dwell on the past or get ahead of yourself into the future. There was also a call to look to the mountains when you are in deep valleys and see mountains as promising challenges to overcome and to do so with a servant mindset. Good to think on for the coming year ahead.

Christmas rain

Hot sultry days build cumulonimbus clouds and portent of rains
As the day reaches mid-day heat the sky grows an ominous inky slate grey blue
Thunder rolls and the air is close, all awaits
Thick, sloppy drops fall to the earth
Then all holds its breath, quickens and the drum roll of raindrops hits the tar
The earth hisses in appreciation of the life giving rain
The muddy earth gives off its distinctive scent
Flying ants drift up into the air, like fairies dancing in the rains
Another year's planting can take place, the rains have come
and so has Christmas time.

Feeling a bit more hopeful

Finished off work this week for Imire. Leaves me unemployed but am sure I can pick up some biology, maths and English tutoring next year and doing part time work will mean I could still go to Oxford for a bit. Chatted with my psychologist on what I really want out of a job. Helps me visualise a bit more what I want and what I should avoid. Guess can't be too choosey in Zim but hopefully will get enough odd jobs to survive financially. Doing part time would mean I can pick up my writers and creative groups and do more art and photography.

We have had our electric gate put in now. Means I can think about venturing out again at night. Will need to get my courage up to do so, but is definitely an improvement in the state of things.

Looking forward to Christmas. Hopefully will remain optimistic with the new year beginning and some work will come my way with it.

Some decisions made

After much indecision and stress I made the decision not to teach at Peterhouse next year. It was a good opportunity but the time table was going to be killing and I didn't have much time to prep for it. I'm afraid I got to the point of taking all my pills again in the process. Zonked me out for the weekend but I did make a decision at the end of it.

This leaves me unemployed still for next year. I am still waiting to hear about part time lecturing at the UZ in zoology and there might be some part time work with WWF. In the meantime I will try get some tutoring work and maybe substitute at the International School. I do want to go over to Oxford and do a CELTA Teaching English as a Foreign language course. Will go after my friend Nina's wedding for which I am a bridesmaid.

My psychologist was supportive of my decision but my therapist questioned what my long term plan is. I am not too sure to be honest. My therapist did also state that I am a bit of a burden on my Mum and need to support myself. This upset me but is true to a degree. Just not sure what work in Zim would really make me self supporting and help me break free of dependence.

So that's where I am currently.

In a sea of indecision

After starting to think way ahead and almost living in the future I am now facing big decisions and am rather undecided and a little daunted by it all. Do I want to pursue teaching and seriously give it a go or do I want to do something else. Will have to decide in the coming week. Need to try look at it all objectively and with a long term plan in mind. Right now I am not sure.

Feel a bit like a tiny boat tossed on the waves of indecision and uncertainty. Need to pray for wisdom and to be placed where I'm meant to be.

Meditating on the following from the book of James and trusting for the right decision.

 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds,3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 

Almost Christmas Time

Christmas is almost here and the end of my current job is nigh. Initially I was apprehensive and depressed about not having a job for next year but things have taken an interesting turn and suddenly a whole load of doors have swung open simultaneously. I had an interview yesterday to possibly teach maths from form 1 to 4 at Peterhouse. It has its appeal and the school has amazing facilities such as an equestrian centre and Gosho Park right next door. The only thing is I would be in Marondera but there is a bus that goes to Harare at weekends.

My other options are possibly lecturing part time at the University of Zimbabwe in zoology, private tutoring or possibly a project with Environment Africa and USAID. I have also been offered the chance to go do a TOEFL CELTA course in Oxford and see friends and family in the UK. So lots of choices out of nowhere.

Things are a little uncertain politically in Zim at the moment, with Grace rapidly ascending to power and the possibility of a Mugabe dynasty. Some of my friends who are usually the eternal optimists are not so confident on what next year will bring. I also had a friend remind me that in terms of finding a potential spouse the pickings are not great in Zim and will be even more limited in Marondera. We will see.

I really would like to visit the UK but I am not sure that I could live there permanently. In my excitement at visiting Oxford I started looking at photos and the majority of them have grey overcast skies. I would miss the sunshine in Zimbabwe and the open spaces. Would also really miss my dogs and if things do flare up politically will worry about my Mum's safety.

Lots to think about and will see which doors stay open and which ones close.

Creative Writing Group Piece

Deep calls to deep. Bearing your soul to another. Being vulnerable and uttering truths. As the waves crash repeatedly on the shore. Looking past the immediate turbulence of foam and spray onwards and outwards to the distant islands. Cliff faces standing bare to the elements. The driftwood came to rest upon the shore, anchored in the sand amidst a sea of pebbles. Like a tree taken root but in this case a dead piece of wood offering itself as the pew on which the sharing and intimate conversations can occur.

The endless crashing of life's waves have not moved it, it is firm, solid and stable. Its massive trunk a sturdy base, a stalwart base. Waves have smoothed and honed it into what it is, moulding it into a bench. As each pebble has been smoothed and rounded, so has the ancient tree been caressed and crafted into a new creation.

God at work in nature and in the hearts of man. Moulding each heart and life into what he has planned. From the log on the beach, the future islands look far off and unattainable, blocked by the crashing waves. Sharing one's story and opening one's heart to another to be guided and encouraged. Challenged to see past the waves to the distant shore and what God has got planned. God's constant love like the ever churning waves upon the shore. Life's challenges make the way rocky, but at the same time each wave moulds us and changes us more into the unique pebbles on the shore. Each with a different story of how they've been formed, making them what they are.

Faith is not knowing what the future holds, but who holds the future

A friend shared this with me today and it was a source of comfort. Once again I'm semi-unemployed and the future is a little uncertain. I had a bit of a dip following being told that I wasn't going to be full time next year. I am doing a bit better now and trying to think of different options.

Times are tough in Zim and there aren't many jobs going. I might have to create my own work. Went to an art exhibition yesterday and it inspired me to try do my own one day. I should get my paintbrushes out again.

My therapist challenged me to tackle the different things that are currently causing me stress at the moment. Firstly my job status, then sorting out security at home and then trying to get domestic help. It is not easy. At times life has been a struggle and drudge recently. I lose hope and the future doesn't excite me but rather makes me feel daunted and overwhelmed.

When I hit lows I am really dependent on my Mum and it makes me worry how I would cope should something happen to her. I used to be independent and live on my own but at times that feels like a different version of me and another life time. I wouldn't survive financially here on what I earn and with my lows I need someone to help me carry on when it feels like I just can't.

November

November is an interesting time of year. The first rains finally come and with them one feels the sense that Christmas is around the corner. Our garden comes alive and the days are slightly longer. One also realises that the year is slipping away and starts to think about what the new year will hold. Whilst it is still a little while off I do start considering what my options are.

In the past this was a stressful time of year, with exams and frantic studying. It also is when loads of year end functions are squeezed in and there is lots on the go. I tend to get on a high with the anticipation of Christmas. It is post Christmas that the end of year really hits and I quite often am a little apprehensive and anxious about the coming year.

Some people call this time of year silly season as with the festivities and holiday time people don't really think clearly. I must admit I am starting to count down the weeks till Christmas.

The first thunderstorms tend to revive me and I enter a mood high. However when there are numerous cloudy overcast days this can have the opposite effect. I do love thunderstorms though.

The coming of the rains

The jacarandas leave their final carpets of mauve along the roads, whilst the flamboyants fiery blossoms come forth. Hot days build cumulonimbus clouds that hint at thunder showers and the air is sultry in anticipation. The frangipanis bare branches sprout pastel shaded blooms with a heady fragrance that hints of summer and far off tropical shores. All exotics, but all so familiar to Hararians.

Finally there is a roll of thunder and the first tentative drops of rain spatter the concrete. Gaining courage and momentum there is a drum roll of rain drops and a refreshing shower pummels the earth and gives life. The heady smell of fresh rain interfused with soil and earth permeates from the ground and you start thinking of Christmas and December holidays, although it is only November.

Flying ants mysteriously appear from holes in their underground nests and the European bee eaters flit across the inky blue skies, returning from their northern climes. Lightning strikes and the earth trembles. The rains have arrived.

Community

Since the armed robbery my Mum and I experienced at our front gate two weeks ago, we have been blown away by people's love and concern. It really is the support network of friends that makes Zim the special place it is and makes up for the craziness of everything else.

I saw my therapist and talked over the feelings the attack made me feel and how I subsequently felt and this helped a lot. I was feeling anxious but it is thankfully getting better and although I still am nervous of getting in and out of our gate I don't feel quite so panicky and having a remote alarm on me makes me feel safer some how.

A lot of people have said I should have let our dogs out at the robbers but I would rather have had our car stolen than have had my dogs shot. I really couldn't have lived with having them hurt as they are very precious to me. Keep praying they don't get poisoned as the fact that the robbers had bolt cutters with them was not good news. We are going to try get an electric gate put in as soon as we can scrape the funds together to do so. Getting out to open the gate every time is just a risk and opens us to being vulnerable and an easy target. Hoping I don't have to go out to Marondera until we've sorted this out as I can't leave my Mum on her own just yet without a better system in place yet.

On the positive side, I had an unexpected debut on stage with Les Miserables on Saturday. We went to watch the matinee and when I went backstage to see my former fellow cast members they said why didn't I join for the second half. So I did, as my costume was still up in the dressing room and it was great fun. Was the first time I've been on stage in years. I used to dance and was involved in theatre at school. Would like to do another show at some point once we've sorted our security at home. There are plans for Reps to put on Oliver next year.

Overcoming fear

Two weeks ago on returning home from a rehearsal for Les Misérables at Reps, my Mum and I were held up at gun point at our gate. For a fuller account of what happened have a look on my other blog page Homecoming.

The experience has left me feeling vulnerable and fearful and seriously hampered my freedom. I saw my therapist the week after it happened and talking to her did help. Am having to hand the whole situation over to God each day and thank him for the protection He gave to my Mum and I, as all things considered, it could have been so much worse.

It doesn't leave a good feeling though and on returning home each day, it feels like we are constantly being watched. I can't remember what our attackers looked like, but I wonder when I see men on the street if any of them are our robbers.

I am very grateful my dogs weren't hurt but I do worry about further repercussions and pray for their safety and that they will not be poisoned.

Friends have been amazingly supportive through this and in particular my friends Tammy and Ryan were absolute heroes, coming and putting up solar security lights for us in our garden as a gift. Thank you, Tammy and Ryan, it has made such a difference and we were so blown away by your kindness.

A result of this has been I had to opt out of being in Les Misérables as it was too great a security risk to come home late every night for two weeks running. My Mum and I get home before dark now and it is not an ideal situation but for the moment we are just being careful. We got home just before dusk last night and it made me a bit panicky being at the gate close to dark. We need to still put more security measures in place before I can venture out after dark and feel safe. Even then there is no guarantee.

The best medicine

One of the best things that happened since returning to Zim was getting my two dogs Jasper and Elsie. They are honestly the best medicine for me when I'm feeling down and I love them to bits. Getting home at the end of rough day they are always there delighted to see me and give me kisses. Elsie love having her back rubbed and Jasper pretend to be aloof but secretly like to have a back rub too and on occasion a tummy tickle.

What it feels like to be depressed

I recently came across an article in Huffington Post titled"What Bipolar Disorder Really Feels Like". The cartoons by Ellen Forney really capture emotions I experience with bipolar and things I find difficult to express at times. In the article the cartoon with the swimming pool and shower is truly how it can feel to come out of a low.

I can also really relate to how Ellen depicts manic phases and I have experienced similar things to what she has when sharing the fact that I am bipolar.

Not wanting to get out of bed and face reality is another all too familiar feeling and battle for me. I found cartoons on a Buzzfeed article very apt. It sounds so easy to just get out of bed and get on with the day but there are days for me where I just can't and retreat into a world under my blanket where I don't have to face the deep inner unhappiness. Luckily haven't had that for a little while but there are days when I just can't.

Reconnecting with my Dad's side

For those who don't know my Parents have been divorced since I was about 8 and after my Dad became abusive I eventually stopped seeing him when I was about 12. It was all rather a rough period of my life and I tend to bury it. My Sister has been in touch with my Dad recently but I have not. He did not make an effort to try reconnect with me and it only two years since he made contact with my Sister that he finally asked after me. In many ways I am happier to not be in contact but it did hurt that it took him this long to ask anything about me.

I have recently connected with two of my cousins who's father is my Dad's brother. Their part of the family had always remained neutral and I had heard from my Aunt in Australia. When I was down in Joburg two weeks ago I met up with my one cousin and it was good to reconnect and be with family. I heard news of my Grandmother who is my only remaining grandparent and of my Aunt and other cousins. We unfortunately ended on bitter terms after things got complicated with my Dad and I have not heard or seen them in a very long time.

On returning to Zim I found that one other cousin is actually attending the same church as me in Harare. I had never met her before and it is a long time since I have been in contact with her dad, my Uncle and his family in Bulawayo. It is quite nice to have another family member in the same city as us though.

Having a better week

I have been doing better this week. Written some articles for the Imire blog (if you want to have a look go to the Imire Volunteer Blog) and had a meeting this morning with a professor at the UZ to look at some statistical analysis. Being busy and interacting with different people helps me.

We had a celebration of World Rhino Day at Imire last week and it was a success and we had generous sponsorship. The children did some great posters and gave some lively performances of poems and drama on conservation. The elephants visited and saluted the Deputy Minister of Tourism.

We have been having issues with our domestic worker whom we had to fire and who has challenged her dismissal and involved the Ministry of Labour and now ZANU PF spouting trade unionists. Luckily a good family friend is a labour lawyer and has very kindly helped us. My Mum got attacked by our maid's brother in law while I was in Joburg and we are trying to be more security conscious. Prayed about it at home group though on Wednesday and we're at peace about it, although it is irritating.

Went to a great play last night called "The End of the World in Borrowdale Brooke" and "Sunrise" (it was a two part play based on the character of Mrs Mupasa). Thoroughly enjoyed it, with Mrs Mupasa following ZBC news on the predicted apocalypse with the Mayan Calendar ending and then trying to register to vote in Harare but accidentally going to an HIV testing station by mistake and wondering why they wanted a blood sample and to know how many sex partners she had for Zim elections. Hilarious, would thoroughly recommend for a good laugh. It is on at the Alliance Française this weekend.

Last weekend I went to watch the Parlotones and then Selim Kagee at the Borrowdale Race Course. Thoroughly enjoyed the Parlotones and was surprised that I knew quite a few of their songs. Selim Kagee was also good but sang a lot of Elvis. Tonight I am going to Starlight Dancing at National Ballet and then have rehearsals this weekend for a local adaptation of Les Misérables at Reps for a performance in two weeks time.

Being pro-active

Had a check up with my psychologist today and she challenged me to be more pro-active in changing my circumstances and to be more of a go-getter in life. I know I am not always as assertive as I could be. My challenge lies in that I am still not sure what I really want out of life and that makes it hard to chase after things. My doctor said I should always send a follow up letter after an interview and should pound the pavement and go in to meet people not just send an email. This is not my style but she may have a point.

This week I'm not so stressed and taking a breather. Starting to think of next year and different possibilities. It is suicide month or at least the month that we refer to as that as it gets really hot. It is the anniversary of when my classmate committed suicide in Form 1 and I always do think back on it. I found the quote below a good one.

A friend shared an article titled Ten things you should never say to someone with bipolar. It was an interesting read. Personally I don't take offence to banter on being bipolar. The only occasion I've been upset was when a friend lashed out at being grouped in my Facebook support group and said some hurtful things about how she perceived bipolar as a stigma. I guess I don't like being thought of as different just because I have it. I have come to terms with having it but it does not define me. I can jest about it and often do to make light of what can be a difficult disease.

Facing and appreciating the mountains

Last weekend I went down to Joburg to see a dear friend who was over in South Africa visiting her family. Whilst there I went with her family to schul or synagogue. The rabbi gave a brief talk on mountains and how it is not ideal to be at the top of the mountain as you have no further challenges to face and you are no longer stimulated. At the same time it is not a good place to be to be intimidated at the base of a mountain and be overwhelmed. Rather it is best to be at the start of the mountain path full of inspiration and motivation to overcome it. I guess this is true for life. I do struggle with my mountains which can become overbearing.

I saw my therapist on getting back to Harare and she has challenged me to take time each day to think of beautiful things and the good things that have happened. A friend lent me a book which I am taking a while to get through called "Sleeping with Bread". The title is based on the true story of children who were orphaned in the Second World War in London who were left destitute and couldn't sleep at night worried about what would become of them the next day and if they would eat. To quell this fear they were given a loaf of bread to sleep with to reassure them that they ate today and would eat again tomorrow. The book goes on to explain a mindset and prayer life where you look back at the day each night and think of one thing you are grateful for from the day and one thing you wish you could change. This helps you see what is important and appreciate what is good and challenging you in life.

So my challenge is to think more positively and develop my appreciation of the good rather than the bad. I guess the 100 days of happiness challenge on Facebook is a bit like that. I need to take stock more of what I am thankful for.

The things I do on a high

I have a habit of over committing myself when I am in an upbeat mood and setting myself up for failure as I set the bar too high. Often when I've been having lows when I do come out of them I'm on such a high I feel over enthusiastic about everything and come up with grand plans and schemes that are not always that easy to carry out. I contact people though and share my ideas and get them on my bandwagon which makes it ever harder to not live up to it. I know I do this and realize after what I've done but in the heat of the moment I make rash decisions and send the emails which can land me in a stew.

My latest was to reconsider a PhD again. I started contacting previous supervisors and local contacts to try do a PhD on wetlands. Having done all of this I then hit a low again and lost my motivation and drive. People still think I can do it but I start having doubts. In a way it is good when my ambition rises but then I have to question if a PhD is the mentally healthiest idea for me. We will see. It is out there and there is a need to do research on Harare's wetlands. If I'm going to do it I need to pick up the reins and ride with it.

Tabebuias and Spring

Spring sure is here and with it allergies but it is beautiful to see the msasas turning and spot the luminous yellow tabebuias around Harare. I have had ups and downs. I have slightly more to my work role which is good for me but I do struggle sitting in an office from 8 till 5. I miss the creative art group I belonged to and being in charge of how I used my time with it being flexi. Yesterday I started tutoring biology again and I realized I actually do enjoy that and miss it.

Friends surprised me with the gift of a Cannon camera for my birthday which was completely unexpected and wonderful. It means I can really consider trying to go a bit more pro with my photography. Is a teeny bit daunting though and will have to ask friends for tips and how to use it to its best. Am so grateful though as it is a teeny dream come true, although there is now pressure to really use it.

I will be going back out to Marondera tomorrow for a few days for work. I feel in a stronger place emotionally than I was last time. Feel I can also be a bit more assertive hopefully. Just praying we will all be safe as game farmers near to where I work were brutally attacked last week over a poaching incident and we have had poaching issues too. Times are tough and people need food but it is sad for the animals.

This weekend I'm on a bit more of an up. Have been more social and enjoyed my weekend and not too sad to see Monday. This has not been the case in previous weeks. I was very sad to hear of Robin Williams' suicide. As a sufferer of depression I know how it feels to have no hope and see suicide as a way out. Noone can draw you out of the pit but yourself and when you loose the will to do it that's when you need help and it is hard to ask for it. He presented such an upbeat persona but it is sad that he had to carry privately the grief of depression and hopelessness. It is the tragedy of depression.

I am trying to start a depression support group in Harare. There are a lot of people who suffer from it and my church has offered to let us use it as a venue. A friend who is a doctor who also has bipolar has offered to give a talk as they have researched it. Get in touch with me if you are interested.

Almost spring and msasa time

Saw my therapist Rona yesterday again. Since Saturday I have been doing better than I was previously. Saturday morning I opted out of a social engagement as I wasn't feeling sociable. I was tempted to just languish in bed but as the sun was shining I forced myself up and ended up getting my paintbrushes out and doing some water colour painting. This really lifted my spirits. I went to Chinese and Shona in the afternoon which I am enjoying.

Sharing my depression I have received a range of advice from starting yoga to eating better. My therapist yesterday said the four rules she would recommend are:
- Making time to see some people
- Making time to be alone
- Making time to exercise
- Getting enough sleep

She also told me about Hyperboleandahalf - a blog on depression that is in the form of cartoons. Have a look here. Rona did warn me that spring time can some times make you feel down as with new growth it gives the feeling of new beginnings and makes you reflect a bit on where you are in life. I don't usually get depressed in spring. Rona likened it though to new year, which is when I often do hit a down.

Better Day

Today has been a better day and had a sense of purpose. Started off with teaching in children's church which was fun. We had a visitor with us from England who was with us for the day whilst she waited between connecting flights from Bulawayo to London. After church we took her to the annual Verandah Gallery Art Exhibition held in Emerald Hill. As always there was a great selection of works by all sorts of local artists. Does inspire me to get on and paint as there are also always a few pieces where you think, I could do better perhaps. Must maybe try for the one next year.

A collection of birds I rather liked at Verandah Gallery.

We drove out to the airport to say goodbye to Ash and it was nice in the space of a day to have made a new friend. We then went via home to see my dogs. I'm house sitting again currently for Polish friends and looking after their mini Staffordshire terrier Misia. We got back home to see the end of Le Tour de France. Made me remember my visit to Paris almost 5 years ago. Some happy memories. I would love to go back.

Blue

How to respond to the simple question
"How are you doing?" It should be simple,
yet is so hard and is not how I feel inside.
Inside there is a cavernous hole,
it threatens to take complete control.
But instead I smile and say "Fine!"
What a lie!

This inner sadness it lingers and binds,
and all I really want to do is hide.
Away from people, away from life,
away from all that is causing me strife.
It is an effort but I carry on,
but how much longer I wonder,
can I stay strong?


To some it may seem weak to call it depression.
People don't know what that means.
They have never felt this crippling pain
that all too quickly brings you to the brink.
That aching emptiness that leaves you in despair,
where nothing helps, nothing matters,
you can't just snap to and move on.
No, you crumble into a ball and cannot move.
It's not a choice, you wouldn't wish it,
all you want is to escape it.
But it holds you captive, incapacitated, alone.

Lingering Monday Blues

These last two weeks I have been struggling again with depression and feeling a deep sadness that just won't go away. Just getting up and going to work each day is a big challenge and takes a lot of will power to make it through the day. I have been worrying a bit too about one day having to cope on my own. My Mum at the moment offers me support and it will be hard to no longer have her to help me.

Today is a little more positive, have to just take each day at a time I guess and just keep trying. Each morning I wake up and just ask God to help me make it through.