Struggling

My mum seems to be on the mend. I am less so. I really am struggling at the moment with life and there seems no relent. I feel a great feeling of loss and heart broken. Have seen a few friends which has been nice but my mind feels like it is not there. Having therapy with Rona just now. We will probably dig into the sore bits. I have been eying paracetamol again. Am in a very hard place.

The Sea Within

Wandering through botanical gardens,
but my heart is not here.
Seeing friends and familiar places,
but it's raw within.
Engaging in conversation,
but I'm not really here.
Reconnecting and sharing spaces,
but I'm adrift and lost at sea.
The wounds inside are bleeding
and I'm a ship tossed at sea.

The Inbetween

Good news is that my mum has got authorisation for tomorrow's operation from BUPA, so they will cover it. Today is a quiet day. I went for a walk with my uncle through the greenbelt in Constantia. Along the way a little boy came down to the fence on his plastic motorbike and introduced his dog Jasper and the maid. We also passed lots of people out with their dogs - quite a menagerie. I am wishing I had packed more short sleeved things, as it is actually quite warm.

Last night was fun at the Mother City Hop at Mustacchio's on Kloof Street. I danced a couple of times, first with someone from Turkey and then a guy from Estonia. I was twirled around quite a bit. Bumped into a friend Michael from Zim at it and my cousin said it's the second Michael from Zim she has met who knows us. She is now very wary of people called Michael and how they might know us.

Have been tasked with setting up social media platforms for people who suffer from loneliness. Depression and loneliness can semi go together. Something interesting to work on. Meeting up with a few friends later in the week after my mum's op tomorrow. We are scheduled for another power cut just now. Whilst it is well scheduled and you do know about them here, unlike Zim, they do happen very frequently and you have to do everything you need to that needs power before it goes off again. There are up to three or four cuts for a couple of hours a day at the moment. Having to plan when to Zoom my Chinese student and then fit in some skypes with my therapist.

I still get sad

I still get sad at night,
when I await morning's light.
There is a feeling of loss,
as in my mind I toss.
Wondering what I did
and I open up the lid
of feelings kept deep inside
with no place to run and hide.
It is all I can do but to abide
and wait til morning.

All set for surgery, four hours later

We had a good flight down yesterday, although on the welcome aboard talk they said we were on a Boeing 800 (possibly not a Max, but still!) It was a good thing my mum had me on arrival as Cape Town Airport has changed a lot since she was last down in 2008. Had good family time with my aunt, uncle and cousin Jaimie. Jaimie's sense of humour is a good tonic and have had some nice long chats with my aunt and was going to go out for a walk with my uncle round the Greenbelt this morning, but there wasn't time to get to the specialist on time. I will go tomorrow.

So my mum had a good meeting with the specialist and had another scan of her legs. There are two veins at the back of each leg that have faulty valves, so she will have both out with ligatures under general anaesthetic on Wednesday. It should be quite straightforward and she will then have a follow up on the 29th and if all is good we fly home on the 31st. The operation will apparently only take an hour. It is not possible to do it with laser but should be OK.

Going to a Mother City Hop dance social this evening with Jaimie. There's an international event this weekend and they are looking at Jazz from the Sophiatown era.

Will send an update again about how my mum's surgery goes. I felt the weight of responsibility when she put my name as next of kin when filling out forms today.

Braaied in spite of Idai

Had two people pop round last night, was nice to see them and catch up. This morning I packed up house sitting and we took our two dogs in separate transfers to the vet for rabies shots and thankfully Jasper doesn't have a recurrence of biliary. Stocked up on some more sedatives to be given to him in case he has to go to the vet while we're away. We got the timing right this time, and he was well and truly subdued by time he got to the surgery (3 hours later!!!)

Got back to zoom with my Chinese 6 year old and he has thrown himself whole heartedly into building a boat for me to rescue me from Cyclone Idai. We got onto how the boat would be powered and he opted for wind power but with a gigantic windmill and he decided the windmill would operate as a vacuum to clean up the ocean along the way from plastic pollution. Who knew you could get this creative from talking about a cyclone?

Was invited to a braai at my friend William's, as he and some others had opted to not to go to Nyanga this weekend because of the said cyclone. We braaied in the rain but it was a pleasant afternoon. Just got back and skyped my friend Simon in Switzerland and I've agreed to look over a project proposal on tackling loneliness in society. Something to keep me busy while I am in Cape Town.

Have nearly packed for tomorrow. Just trying to picture 14'C as a minimum. Thrown in a couple of jerseys. Hopefully will see some friends from my UCT days but not wanting to impose on my aunt to ferry me around and we will already be having to go back and forth to the hospital regularly. There is the MyCiTi Bus in Cape Town, but I guess quite rightly, or perhaps wrongly, they don't think Constantia people would use it - I would!!

When you try to tempt a hurricane, I mean cyclone ...

First you put washing on the line, second you plan a braai and third you pass a school with their sports day under way. But whether Idai is going to make an appearance remains to be seen. Semi battening down the hatches and hoping the roof of where I am house sitting is sturdy enough. Might tie myself to the supporting beam in the middle of the room if it looks like I might be Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz - which incidentally apparently called it a cyclone in the original book, even though it is geographically a tornado.

Just come back from going to see my high school English teacher Mrs Sternslow at Flame Lily Lodge in Marlborough. She is sadly in a very bad way physically and mentally. Her daughter left to go back to South Africa last night and the nurse said Mrs Sternslow was very sad and not eating. I could relate to how she felt. She seemed to recognise me and I talked to her before she fell asleep. She was instrumental in making me write and love to use words to express myself. We did the poems below with her in high school and I will always remember her zany, sarcastic humour - quivering chest hairs and dream boat jokes and calling us the creme de la creme who needed to show in our writing that we were. She also challenged institutional education and brought out a rebel streak in us. Loved her for all of those things and more. Convent girls who were taught by her, please try go see her. She would love to see you and my visit seemed to help her a little I hope. I know from when I have been hospitalised, a friendly face who will just come sit with you is a gift.

Yesterday I kept busy. I went for christian counselling at the Base first. Dealt with some relationship stuff. I did back away a bit when challenged with whether depression is just chemical or if it is from the devil. I scarred my personal trainer by telling her about this - she had never heard that one, but reacted strongly. The scientist in me balks too, although I do know there is growing research into whether it is just serotonin and how much medication helps or not. I still need to take my meds though. My homework for the counselling is to think of what christian ministry I have received before and how it has changed my heart. I think I am going to have to google what that means, as I am not sure. I think people rather than pastors have ministered to me and it has been when someone has prayed for me, given me a prophetic picture or encouraged me to express my spirituality through dance, art or writing. But yes, need to think a bit more.

I then went for tea with my high school teachers and we tried out things made by two teachers who will be opening a coffee shop at Dr Omar's rooms on Enterprise. Heard a funny story from my R.E. teacher, that when she taught Bona Mugabe, Grace and Bob had to have their own parents meeting in the deputy head's office, surrounded by security. This was not what happened when Bona was in junior school and Grace lined up with everyone else to see my mum. (When Grace got to the front of the queue my mum without thinking said, "You look awfully familiar, did I teach you?") My R.E. teacher said she asked Bob if he ever missed teaching and he apparently replied that he missed the kids. Interesting.

I then had coffee with two friends at Queen of Hearts, which keeps changing. From there I went to personal training. My trainer actually gave me two 6 kg weights to take with to Cape Town. But I am thinking that is half my suitcase allowance (am allowed two 23 kg bags but the person who is taking us to the airport has a small car). I might borrow a theraband instead. My trainer is going to send me workouts to do while I am away. After Wednesday night when I started cutting myself, I really need to do weights or skip instead. My therapist will be doing sessions over skype with me while I am away.

It's at this time in the evening when it gets really hard

Today was good in some ways. I saw friends and talked about other things and kept busy. Therapy though was brutal and I was forced to try see that my relationship is really over and face life without Matt. I just can't. We talked about how I manage this and the pain. When it gets to this time in the evening I really struggle and have thoughts of self harm. My therapist said this is my way of trying to make my emotional pain physical and my coping mechanism that needs to be broken. I think of cutting myself and it is all that I can do to not do this. Being in someone else's house does put some responsibility on me and prevents me to an extent but the urge is strong.

Rona, my therapist, said in some ways I have come a long way in how I deal with pain but it doesn't feel like it. She said I have to look for the hope. It is really hard to see any now that my sunshine has gone. People say it gets easier. Well it is bloody hard right now and I am struggling. I have never felt such pain.

This song speaks to me, but it doesn't feel well with my soul. I am floundering.

Trying to pick up the pieces

So many people have reached out to me in so many different ways and I am grateful to you all. I just swing between needing to see people and then needing time alone. The alone time though can lead to moments of despair, which is not always helpful but I kind of need to weep too. This break up feels like the hardest struggle I have had to date.

Just to throw a bit of extra drama in, my dad who is in the country currently, has started sending verbal abuse on whatsapp to me about my mum. So not needed right now. Have blocked him.

Today is fairly busy. Had to drive all the way out to the industrial sites to pick up payment for my Chinese student. Then promptly went and joined a petrol queue and bought a broom while I was in it. I am meeting a friend for lunch at Gava's just now and then going to another friend's before going to get medication to take down south and seeing my therapist Rona, who is back now. I reckon I will be a bit weepy again after seeing Rona. Tomorrow my former school teachers have invited me for tea as one of them is opening a coffee shop and is trying things out. Didn't make personal training yesterday, but will try go tomorrow. Friday is a little open. I might go see my former youth pastors' dad for a chat at the Base Church, need to summon up the courage to do it. People are coming over in the evening.

Am enjoying the house I am house sitting. It is light and airy and has lots of space, which is sort of what my soul needs. The cats and boerboels are very affectionate, although the one boerboel blotted her copy book this morning by jumping up at me with muddy paws, and she's a big dog!

Cape Town people if you're reading this, be great to meet up when I am down. I get there Sunday and should be around for at least 3 weeks.

About a Girl and units of time

I feel a bit like the character in the book About a Boy, who has endless hours to somehow fill and measures out his day in units. As much as I appreciate the school giving me a leave of absence, being busy and having structure and routine helped me hold things together and now I just have way too much alone time to sit and think - and that's not good, not good at all. Have dug out books to read from home, one of them The Power of Now and a few others. Will try do some art before I go to Cape Town and maybe might even pack some art stuff for there too. Meeting up with people for coffee but it all does still feel empty.

Am house sitting from now til Saturday. It is a beautifully designed house, with lots of light and a whole section of French doors that fold back so you have a massive doorway to the garden. I said I will take the boerboels for walks on the vlei. Just need to be careful though, as a few woman have been raped in the area. The kitchen is lovely open planned and spacious. In some ways it is good to have my own space, but in some ways I need to not spend too much time on my own. So if anyone wants to join me for dinner, shout.

A bit lost

It is a very strange feeling to suddenly have nothing to prepare or mark. As much as it might be a good idea to go to Cape Town and be away, not having structure and something I have to do each day is equally not a good thing. Routine keeps me sane and now it is gone. I might try go do some art with Sarah Fynn on Wednesday though perhaps and people have set up coffee dates with me. One mutual friend of Matt's and mine is doing his best to make sure I am out and about and not sitting at home in the evenings, which is sweet. There is just one person I would rather be spending my time with though and that is what hurts so bad. We did meet for coffee this morning but he didn't want to even hug which hurt.

I went to Arundel after and sat and chatted to Mrs Lobb who has been kindly checking in on me all week. She is collecting stuff for recycling. When I get back from Cape Town, there is a lot of stuff at home I can take to her.

Am a little spaced out on the higher dose of olanzapine and the sleeping tablet. I guess I would be feeling much more raw if I wasn't but it is disconcerting what medication can do to your outlook and mood. I might need to go back and touch base with my doctor before I go to Cape Town. The only bright side of the last visit was that I had lost quite a bit more weight.

A part of me wants to just be a hermit and hide from the world. Re-hashing what is happening can get painful. The danger is, if I become a real hermit I won't get out of bed and could sink into a really deep dark depression. Self harm thoughts are still there and I am hurting. People say with time it will get better. It just is incredibly painful and hard right now.

Tomorrow's my last day

I was called inot the head's classroom at lunchtime and told today could be my last day teaching. They feel I am close to a break down and said I should go down to Cape Town with my mum. I said I will finish revision with my class tomorrow and print exams. But tomorrow will be my last day. It all is a bit surreal and I hope I have a job to come back to next term.

I did go for personal training today, and Cara pushed me. Then had a milkshake with my friend Nina (on the way saw lovely cosmos and sunflowers) and have just had dinner with two guy friends at Jam Tree.

Feeling unsettled and it is the end of school routine which is good and bad all at the same time. Why did life have to get so complicated.

Censored

I am no longer allowed to blog about school, even though I haven't given the name of the school or the children's names. In a way it feels like they would also I rather didn't blog at all but blogging is what keeps me sane and allows me to express stuff I just can't say.

The medication is beginning to set in and I just feel numb and a zombie. Have to just put one heavy foot in front of the other and somehow drag myself along. It feels like I have lost the will to live now though and nothing excites me or is something to look forward to. I am still teetering on suicide and given an opportunity I may well down pills.

My mum has put off going this weekend. She will go the next week. A teacher at school yesterday said I should just go with her but I can't. At least my therapist Rona will be back next week but it is those dark moments at night and when I just am scraping my heart off the floor. My therapist said at least I am getting out of bed and going to work. The old Katy would not have managed that. But it is still incredibly hard, my ray of sunshine has gone and I am left with the dark, cold reality.

I offended Facebook

My post about fighting the urge to down a whole bottle of paracetamol has apparently offended Facebook and they have removed it. Thank you for the barrage of support. I am afraid though, I did go to the supermarket and try to buy a jar of pills. It was only a little old lady standing in front of me who suddenly reached out and was incredibly kind to me, that stopped me. I would have done it otherwise.

I am still in a fragile space and all morning tears were just behind my eyelids. I am going to try go back and see my psychiatrist and try skype my therapist Rona again. I do need help. My friend Nina really wants me to go stay with her, especially when my mum goes on Sunday. Right now I am just putting one foot in front of the other but staying on my own is maybe not going to be a good idea when my mum goes. My mum is now thinking she should defer her treatment but she really can't. Everything has come to a head at once and I am trying to muster up strength that just doesn't feel like it is there.

The only plus today - my angry mother of a student backed down and was civil and listened. I actually told her that I also struggle with depression and anxiety and this mollified her. Small mercies.

Hopefully this doesn't also offend Facebook - there are many other things on it that I think people can get more upset about.

Today feels like the worst day I have ever lived

Whilst waiting for over three hours to desperately see my psychiatrist yesterday, the thing I had been dreading happened. My boyfriend and I broke up. I am absolutely devastated as I really do love him and it feels like a chasm has opened up inside me that is dragging me into a deep black hole. I have never felt this much pain. I finally saw my psychiatrist and he gave me a prescription for sleeping tablets, but it didn't work!! I will admit I was very tempted to find the box and take all of the other ones at one go and be done. My mum has the meds though and knows I might do this. I am not in a good place though. I need to skype Rona again and my doctor has said I can go back and see him any time (although I will probably have to wait forever again).

This morning it felt like the Russian Doll scenario where the song, "Got to get up" is on repeat and I have to live the scenario over and over again with no escape and ease from the pain. I am so near breaking point and at times teaching I am so close to dissolving into tears. I have to get my game plan on as I have the jolly mother coming to see me at lunch time and I can't let her see me like this otherwise she can say I am unprofessional. But she is likely to still be angry with me.

Self harm and suicide are not far from my mind. I need to just keep busy and try, try hard, to get over it. But my heart is broken.

Silly Mzilikazi

I got to school and it felt good to be back to focusing on getting things done, but I now feel like a chewed out piece of string. The assembly today on the parable of the lost sheep spoke to me personally. Had to laugh though, when the head told the students that people have been looking after sheep for thousands of years, the one boy with autism chirped up, "Like the dinosaurs!" I marked my class's social studies homework on the Ndebele and had to try not to smile when my one boy with autism had written, "silly Mzilikazi", each time he referred to him. One of my other students wrote that apparently Mzilikazi's famous son was Nelson Mandela - OK.

My class produced some good sketches of the school and playground and really got stuck in with shading techniques, which was cool. One of my other student's mother's wrote that her son was anxious this weekend and in the middle of English he asked me if he could sit and do some mindfulness as he was feeling stressed out. I think he really was, so I said yes, but it was a little awkward as I didn't know how long it was going to take for him to be less stressed, so I gave his as long as he needed. My one student then asked though if they are allowed to do that in exams next week. Tricky one!

I see my psychiatrist just now and will see what he says about sleep and if he will give me medication to help. Might need another therapy session over skype with Rona.

Do I have a mantra to live by?

I am looking at the format and template for writing for the Friendship Bench on living with bipolar and they want to know if I have a mantra or quote I live by. Hmmmm. I guess I tell myself when it gets tough that it has to get better and tomorrow is a new day. If I was to get Biblical I might think of Jeremiah 29(11) - ¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Listened to Christian music this afternoon as I tried to work (I am definitely not working as fast as I usually do) and it soothed. I am still not sleeping well though and am feeling half dead.

My mum is set to try book to fly next weekend. My aunt and she are worried about me remaining here on my own. I do have friends though. My friend Nina yesterday did say I could go stay with her if I want, which was sweet. Hopefully I will be sleeping by next weekend. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and will discuss it with him and see if he can put me on something to make me sleep as if I don't I can go over the edge (I just can't afford to do that. I really can't lose my job). At least my job does get my mind off stuff but I do have to face the angry parent on Tuesday and I need to be ready for that and in the right mind set.

Have chatted to various friends around the world today which was nice. One in the States, another in Australia and then one who was here last week, but is now in Cape Town. Did cheer me up. It is jolly hot for March (almost hotter than October) - it is also not helping with sleeping as it is staying hot well into the night (unusual in Zim). Climate change is happening, I tell you. My one student when we did climate change last week said, "Thank God it is only going up by 1'C on average." Well that is still disastrous, my friend.

Article for the Ministry of Health

I first experienced depression in high school. At the time not many people in Zimbabwe recognised it for what it was, and my family doctor told me to just get a grip. It was only in Switzerland that I was diagnosed, initially with clinical depression, later back in Zimbabwe with bipolar depression. It was hard for me to take on this new identity and I didn’t want to be told I would have this for the rest of my life. Since then I have discovered that many other people in Zimbabwe have some form of depression. In the last year or so dialogue on it has really begun to open up, but there is still such a way to go to be able to treat sufferers with dignity and give them the help and resources they need.

When I have been suicidal I have found that many emergency health professionals do not respond in a compassionate and understanding manner. You are often chided for not being responsible and you get the feeling you are wasting the doctor’s time. There is a need for health practitioners to get a better understanding and to be trained in how to respond to suicidal patients, so that the patient feels safe and not judged. Medication has helped me overcome the perils of my illness, but it is difficult to obtain the drugs I have to have daily. This is vital for me to lead as close to a normal life as I can.

The doctors I have seen in Zimbabwe have been world class, but I am one of a privileged few, who can afford to pay to see them. There are many other people in this country who urgently need such care, but do not have the finances or facilities to receive it. The Friendship Bench has made a great stride in making therapy more readily available to all. More along these lines is needed.

Randoms

I sit here trying to mark my mountain of books but my thoughts are far, far away.
Baby dedications this morning and the pull of wanting a family. Having to think about whether popcorn might choke a toddler and chatting to a parent from school who was also there.
Heat wave that makes you feel sapped of energy and staying hydrated.
Driving through Borrowdale Brook and feeling transported to a Constantia or Bishops Court. An out of Harare experience.
Seeing my best friend and realising just why she is and how much I value her. Exchanging war wounds and encouragement and saying how there should be emoticon stickers, including the poo one. But how would that go down with my current parent. At least a face palm, eye roll, scrunched up eyes and frightened one would do. Alternatively a great big rubber WTF stamp. But no, have to be cool, calm, collected and sensitive at all times.
I'm just very tired.

Sound of Sleeping

Hello insomnia, my old friend
You won't let me sleep again
Because of things that have been
and the world when I should be sleeping
and the words that are flitting round my brain,
still remain
Even though the world is silent.

In restless sheets, I toss and turn
whilst feeling all alone
I have to turn on the lamp
and try to cling to something
When my heart is stabbed by things unsaid
That split the night
and the sounds of silence.

Something in the water

I managed to sleep last night!! Thank goodness, another night of no sleep would have been a disaster. After a long session over skype with my therapist (it was so good to chat to her as she probably knows me better than anyone now, and she gave such practical ways to tackle things and try get a grip of things. So grateful to her for doing it from South Africa), I made some changes and had ways to think of things more positively and make them less of a mountain. She is on standby for me this weekend if things go belly up relationship wise.

The good news was that I was able to postpone seeing the angry parent until Tuesday and the headmistress is 100% behind me as she happened to hear the exact thing I said to the class as a whole, that the parent is trying to say I said just to her son. Phew! Such a relief to have my head's backing on this and to know this is a difficult parent and the teacher last year also had problems and it is not just me. Still am a bit nervous for Tuesday though, but hoping by then her anger might have simmered down a little.

I have my Chinese six year old just now. Haven't had him for a while and have missed him. He is my favourite student of all time and I should feel good after taking him.

Finished my exam papers but one dear parent messaged me at 8 o'clock last night wanting a break down of every topic for every subject by today. Um, I just said they would have it on Monday. I still don't really agree with having exams for these students every term. On the one hand they get used to it, but on the other it really stresses everyone out. I actually got my class to sit and do some mindfulness after break, which calmed everyone down. They seemed to enjoy it when they stopped talking and being silly about closing their eyes. Might try it again some time.

Don't know what happened this week, but lots of people have had hectic stuff. At school, a lot of the other teachers have had things and other friends of mine. Here's to a better weekend for everyone, and I really can say T.G.I.F.!!!